Why I Loathe Exercise and Sport

At school, we had to do PE everyday and I was not good at it at all.  I was good in all my other classes so it definitely stood out.  I used to get out of breathe and just generally not have much stamina.  I was perhaps a little chunkier than some of the other girls, so I think there was just always an assumption that it was my weight and fitness level.

We did quite a variety of things.  We played hockey, netball, rounders, tennis and badminton.  We did gymnastics, trampolining, swimming and cross country running.  I liked badminton but I never did trampoline.  Swimming was fun but torturous.  It was quite a walk to the pool and after swimming my legs would be like jelly.  They always put swimming before a break or lunch and this would mean I would often miss part or all of the break or be late for lunch.  Cross country running was just torture and I would always be at the back, mostly walking.

I remember sitting out a few times when I was young and first developed HS.  The sores were large and between my legs and would rub.  At this point my Mum, who was a nurse, was desperately trying to find a solution.  She tried all sorts of things on them and used to dress them.  At some point though, they just became a fact of life.  I do very much believe that HS has given me quite a high pain tolerance and the ability to tune out constant pain.

Later, I started to get awful joint pain.  My knees and sometimes my hips would really hurt after PE and walking would be uncomfortable.  We went to the Doctor and had a referral.  The end diagnosis was Rheumatism but this is a bit of catchall and does not really tell me exactly what was wrong, looking back.  It was noted that my right leg was longer than my left, that I was flat footed and that I was generally stretchier than average.  My knee joints would overbend.  It was decided that I should have physio to strengthen my knee muscles so they would take over some of the job of my too stretchy tendons.  I also was given a prescription for Aspirin, which I eventually stopped taking.

I was told not to do high impact sport and that skiing for instance would be a bad idea for me.  I started to play in goal during hockey and then eventually, I used to umpire.  I was not allowed to do trampoline.  For that session, we split in two, half doing trampoline and half doing badminton, so I did badminton twice.  This suited me as I liked badminton.

I didn't miss the sports I was no longer able to do, not at all.

The joint pains were still there as I grew older, but I started to notice a few things.  It was very much linked to how cold my joints got.  At school we had to wear tiny gym skirts to do PE on all but the worst days.  If we were allowed to wear trackie bottoms, they were pretty thin.  At school I would wear tights under my school uniform.  After school, I would make sure that I felt comfortable and warm.  I do do very much believe that if I had been allowed to wear what I wanted and been comfortable doing PE, I might not have had so much pain.  It would have been a less miserable experience and I would potentially have continued doing more PE as I got older.

I moved to the Midlands for a time, but then wanted to move a few years later.  High on my list of requirements was to move south.  I did not want to move north and have to deal with colder winters and potentially more joint pain.  I ended up moving almost as far south as I could and the climate here is mild.  The winters are warmer and the summers cooler than elsewhere in the UK, although it is very wet.  We rarely see snow and if we have frost or it freezes, it rarely sticks around long.

As my life grew more sedentary and having a car allowed me to be outside for only short periods of time.  My joint pains eventually grew to be a pretty distant memory.  I am always conscious though that cool breezes can make me ache.  I would rather wear a thin layer and cover my skin unless it really was too warm.  So I just became very good at managing and making appropriate choices.  I pretty much forgot about my joint pains.

This winter though, as I continued to walk throughout the winter, I was reminded of them.  They were not too bad and I quickly started making choices to avoid them.  Instead of just wearing jeans, I would wear leggings under them.  I would wear a pair of fingerless cycling gloves to protect my hands but still give me the grip I needed for the dog lead.  I also wore a big wooly hat over my ears, as they are also really vulnerable to the cold.  Was I probably wearing more than others around me?  Undoubtedly.  There are plenty of people who wear shorts all year round down here.

It is clear to me that it isn't about the weather as such, it's about how my body responds to getting cold.  Moving here was part of the solution and the rest was about how I dress and protect my body.  I don't even really realise I am doing it these days.  It does irritate me just how little body autonomy I had at school.  I absolutely would not have chosen to wear a silly short skirt and my tracksuit bottoms would have been much thicker and warmer.

A few years ago, I started to get wheezy in the evenings and at night.  After one night of difficult breathing I went and got my first inhaler, a blue reliever of Salbutamol.  After another night of difficult breathing sometime later, I went and got my second, a brown steroid preventer inhaler.  I stopped wheezing.  I didn't want to take too much inhaler, so I generally only took it at night and not in the morning as recommended.  The night time wheezing went.

Having been diagnosed as having asthma though, when I started walking again, it made me more conscious of my breathing.  I would get out of breathe walking up any incline to start with.  Obviously I would carry my blue inhaler and the times I remembered to use it, it really helped.  I had entirely assumed that my being out of breathe was due to my level of fitness.  I had always assumed this, even back in school.

I realised I was completely wrong.  I also started to wonder if my being out of breathe doing PE back at school was because I had mild asthma, even back then.  Yes, I never had the full on cannot breathe asthma attack but exertion left me with a tight chest and laboured breathing.  How unfit could I have really been?  I did PE five days a week.  I walked a lot.  I was the best tree climber in my year and this was because I was strong.  I was certainly not the smallest person in my year.  So I obviously had a degree of muscle tone, I just struggled whenever it affected my breathing.

I loved those sort of outdoor activities, walking and exploring, climbing trees.  I took the opportunity to do kayaking.  At school we did it in the swimming pool.  Years later I did a course on the Fal and really enjoyed exploring.  I am not tempted by my husbands road cycling but now he has started doing some gravel riding, yes that tempts me a lot.

At school, we used to do gymnastics.  I was not a small, elegant mover.  The last year we did gym though, I would the progress in gymnastics prize.  I know I looked funny getting my prize, this great hulking child clomping across.  Our last gymnastics routine, my group had put together a near perfect routine.  It would have been perfect if KW had been able to remember which way to turn her head at the end.  So I know I achieved a level of body control, strength and muscle tone.

I know it's too late now to change the misery that PE was for me at school.  It was a different time.  You just got on with things and I don't think people thought about those sorts of subtleties as much.  I can not go back and have a steroid inhaler and warm sports clothes.  It has however mad me reconsider my attitude to sports and fitness now.  I know why it made me miserable then, but those things are now entirely under my control and identified.  They don't have to make me miserable now.

They are not making me miserable now.

So maybe, just maybe, I can start to enjoy sport and exercise.