Clothing Anxiety

I think a lot of people can relate to anxiety around clothing in one way or another.  There are just so many things to get anxious about.

I didn't much care as a kid.  I liked pink, the brighter and more fuchsia the better.  I didn't care if the shades matched.  I cared if they were comfy though more than I cared about the colour.  I had a pair of trousers that were pink and so patched in the end that my Mum called them my disreputables and in the end, she threatened to throw them out if she saw me wearing them again.

I remember one time my family went with other for a meal one lunch and I accidentally forgot to change my slippers for shoes.  I was pretty mortified.

So I definitely prioritised comfort and colour but was keenly aware that some things were embarrassing or inappropriate out of context.  That context bit is still really important to me and something I often find hard to judge.  Is this the right clothing for the occasion?  Too smart, not smart enough.  Too revealing.  Not matching.  These things though are about other peoples perceptions.  Trying to get it right to fit in and be appropriate.

When I think about what I want from clothing...  I want there to be colour and I want it to be comfortable.  I want it to say something about me as a person.  The things I like, my quirks.  I like a little geek chic.  I want to not be boring, but being too out there can be really uncomfortable for me as well.  I don't want too much reaction, generally, though I am learning not to mind so much.  It's another one of those things that the possibility of being Autistic gives me permission to try a little less hard to fit in with others...  That there is nothing wrong, in getting it a little wrong and being slightly not fitting.

I can see why some autistic people find one thing and wear that always.  It makes sense to me to find something that is comfortable and fits and to stick with it.  My brain is desperate for variety though, for things to explore and think about.  Colour feeds it, as does shape.

I was I guess a little chunky as child.  I ate well.  I wasn't hugely fat though from what I remember.  I certainly don't look at pictures of me and see a fat person by todays standards.  My build though is broad.  I was never going to be a waif.  My hips and shoulders are too big.  I remember my Gran telling me I was big boned.  I also remember that my sister could wear tighter, more revealing clothing and that I would get disapproving looks.  Maybe I was just far to sensitive to perceived criticism and a people pleaser.  Maybe my sister just didn't care what they thought of her clothes.  Maybe also, my sister was just too thin and had different issues with food to me.

I do remember as a teen, my Mum taking me to weight watchers with her.  I remember digs from my Dad specifically.  One time on holiday I was admiring some cowboy boots in a shop window and my Dad told me very clearly I couldn't wear them because they wouldn't fit my legs.  

Maybe I did have a chunkier stage but by 16 I was pretty thin but curvy and I seemed to be able to eat what I wanted with no issue.  I was happy with how I looked in clothes, even though I continued to get those uncomfortable looks if I tried to wear anything too revealing.  I think although my Dad was just a little mean and critical, my Mum had other worries.  I don't think she wanted me to look too...  not sure of a good word, inviting, sexual..  I think she was very conscious of the issues women could have.  I certainly got lots of male attention.

One time at college, a group of us were sat together and one of my friends was talking about being unhappy with her body when someone asked her how she would want her body to be.   I was very shocked when she said she would like a figure like mine.  I was no waif and nothing like a model.  I was not that standard held up as beautiful on TV.  I was something else.  I often found that I was more popular with men than some of my friends who were definitely more attractive and had better bodies.  I think I was attractive in a way that didn't feel unattainable or unapproachable.

This did not work in my favour though in some ways.  Being desirable is not always the best thing to be as a woman.  I had some unpleasant boyfriends.  As woman, you get to an age and have heard enough stories from friends that you realise abuse is everywhere.  You experience some bad things yourself and know it can happen again.  Being desirable becomes an uncomfortable thing.  It's OK to be desired by those you love and trust, but not by strangers.  It's safer, being a little overweight, not looking too good in clothes.  If I was going to a club with friends and wearing something revealing, there would be a long coat.

By the time I met my husband in my late 20s, I was a little overweight for sure, but I was OK with how I looked and was healthy enough.  The first year we were together, I lost weight, because I was happy and secure.  I looked really good.  I enjoyed the clothes I was wearing.

Then I gave up smoking and everything changed.  I kept squeezing in to my clothes and I wasn't looking my best.  I was not much of a shopper really.  The ladies I worked with staged an intervention and took me sale shopping at M&S.  The clothes I brought were at the top end of the sizes they sold and larger than I had realised they did.

Although my weight gain was pretty rapid for the first year or two after I stopped smoking, I continued to gain weight at a slower rate.  It resisted any efforts to lose it and in fact, my efforts made me feel awful and I would end up gaining more weight than I lost.  So I gave up.

I brought clothes at Tesco and then they changed their range so any larger sizes were online, but I had been at the top of their range anyway by then.  I was a bit lost, but I needed clothes and I needed them in larger sizes now than I could buy at Tesco.  The clothes I was wearing were not great.  I remember going to a Christmas works meal for my husband and one of the wives being a bit mean.  She told me there was no point in being poor and looking poor.  I was wearing a white shirt and at that same meal, someone thought I was one of the staff.  She was ever so apologetic.

A colleague suggested Very and then eventually I found Simply Be and Marisota.  Joe Browns opened up a whole new world of clothing for me, where I could look nice and wear colourful clothing despite my size.  I didn't have to worry about being on display.  These were brands that understood plus size clothing.  They understood that plus size bodies were not exactly the same as slim bodies, just bigger.  They knew which bits we wanted to hide and what our assets were.  Without online shopping, I would have been lost.

Over time, clothing shops started bringing in plus sized ranges or selling a few larger sizes.  There was Evans too, although their clothes could often be a little frumpy.  I think really, Evans was aiming itself at my Mum more than me.  The high street was no longer my friend though.  Too small changing rooms.  Awful clothes that didn't fit right or that no larger person in their right mind would think looked nice.  I don't want clothes to make me look even bigger than I am!  I don't need a peplum on my bum or ruffles down my sides.  I stopped going.  I have not been clothes shopping in person for years and years.

Charity shops too...  They often didn't have any plus sized clothes and if they did, it was pretty dire and minimal.  Maybe it's changed...?

So the plus sized clothing ranges generally go up to a 32.  There is a lot less choice at 32 but it's very minimal above 32.  Although there was starting to be a little more choice I noticed.  I was beginning to find that 32 was perhaps getting a little too small.  I was buying a 34 if it was available.  Again, I was starting to be a little anxious about not having nice clothes that fit.  Luckily, plus sized clothing is generally stretchy and forgiving.  I was not looking good in my clothing though.  Yes, my clothing was nice and I looked fun and funky, but I looked unhealthy, because I was, increasingly so.

So then I started to lose weight but I don't have much money and plus sized clothes are really expensive.  Again, I started to feel anxious about having clothes that fit.  Tops are not so bad but trousers that fall down are bad.  Jeans may have belt loops but most of my other trousers don't.  I actually think my anxiety over clothes got in the way of me losing weight earlier this year.  Of course, I made a plan...

Don't underestimate the benefit and security of having comfortable clothes that fit in styles you enjoy wearing.  You don't need a big wardrobe, but you do need a wardrobe....